I wrote this for a Journalism assignment due today. Enjoy.
(Also, David put it up on Patrol, view it here
If you stay up to date on the latest gossip, I’m sure you’ve seen the recent facebook group
trying to get him replaced as UCLA’s graduation commencement speaker. Please do not try to make him feel better by saying, “Don’t worry, James. My peers hate me, too!” 7.
Please refrain from all of the following: ripping your clothes off, ripping his clothes off, touching him… anywhere… at all, telling him you want to have his babies, screaming that you love him, screaming that you think he’s hot, screaming in general, crying, stuttering and shaking, passing out, staring at him with your mouth open, etc. I know a lot of these will be involuntarily, but try your best.6.
Don’t ask him where he tans. We know you saw his pasty, white ba-dunk-a-dunk (in the words of Missy Elliot) in the pool scene in Milk. [NSFW image here
He’s a nice guy. Don’t take advantage of that by having him talk on the phone to your entire cheerleading squad or write out autographs to your sister, mother, grandfather, best friend in Mongolia and Great Aunt Helga.4.
Swallow any exclamations resembling, “OH MY GOD! YOU’RE JAMES FRANCO!” He knows that.3.
Don’t ask him where he gets his pot. He’s not high… he always looks like that
Don’t ask him about the wet dream he’s having while he’s sleeping in class
at Columbia University. I think that’s self-explanatory.1.
However cliché this may be, it stands as number one for obvious reasons. No matter how compelling your body may be in telling you to do this: do not get down on one knee, pull out a ring pop and ask him to marry you. We know he has a sense of humor from his Funny or Die
videos, but something tells me he won’t find this humorous (or say yes). BONUS FOR ELISHA
: Don't use the word tribute. In any form. At all. He will just stare at you.
I (or Elisha) may or may not have done one or all of these things when I (or Elisha) met him on the corner of 78th and Lex this past weekend. I’ll let your imaginations run wild.